💎 The Corner Office #3 - Leader, Know Thyself

Read time: 8 minutes

Hey y’all,

This edition of The Corner Office was inspired by a recent conversation with a leader facing a challenge: boosting the performance of someone not directly under her management. She shared with me how her preference to engineer change from behind the scenes, rather than direct confrontation, had drawn criticism and even shame from her past managers. As she grappled with this challenge, she felt at a crossroads.

We discussed the importance of knowing and accepting yourself, and that behaviours exist on a spectrum. The fact that her natural tendency is to avoid confrontation is neither good or bad. It just is. The key to successful leadership is accepting yourself and consciously choosing what approach to take in different situations.

I’m convinced, more than ever, that self-awareness is a pillar of successful leadership. Would a series based on self-awareness be valuable to you? If yes, hit reply and let me know.

This week’s Corner Office Insights come from Jim Dethmer’s (Founder of The Conscious Leadership Group) appearance on The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish.

 Insight of the Week  

This insight reminded me of David Foster Wallace’s opener of one of my favourite commencement speeches (who doesn’t have a list of favourite commencement speeches, am I right?), This is Water. He starts with a joke:

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes “What the hell is water?”

I have listened to this speech yearly over the last decade. Every time I hear that joke, it seems to open up another hidden door in my psyche. Too many of us in leadership, as in life, don’t stop to figure out what the hell water is.

What is Self-Awareness?

The dichotomy of seeing yourself over time as well as at a fixed point in time is an important distinction in developing your own self-awareness. Level one is to understand your default settings at a macro level. These are foundational truths. Not that they can’t be changed, but they are far deeper set than level two. Map your default mindsets and thinking patterns, understand which are going to serve you and which will limit you, and then set up the systems and guardrails to maximize positive outcomes.

For example, I am great at problem solving and getting shit done. As a leader, I need to delegate those responsibilities. How do I build the prompts to realize, in the moment, that I must stop my instinctual taking-over of a situation and ensure my team succeeds without me being hands-on?

The second level of self-awareness is situational, in the moment. It's the ability to pause during a conversation or a meeting, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, 'where am I right now?' This real-time awareness can significantly affect your response and decision-making process.

By integrating these two levels you unlock powerful outcomes.

The most applicable insights we can give are around self-reflection and getting more feedback. Personality tests (e.g. Myers-Briggs, Big Five Personality Test) are a great source of insight that I recommend for every leader. But those are pretty straightforward. The real challenges are becoming more self-reflective and creating valuable feedback loops. These are the things that many of us would say we’re an 8, but really we’re a 5.

This framework has compounding simplicity; it is both simple to understand and to apply. The line gives us a more tangible mapping of our self-awareness. You can implement this framework by checking in with yourself and seeing whether you are above or below the line.

Want to take it for a test run? When you’re next in a disagreement ask yourself: ‘am I outcome driven or ego driven?’ Analyze your communication; a key indicator of being above the line is transparency and candour. Look at your body language, are you open or closed?

We should strive to be acting from above the line 100% of the time, though we know that we will often dip below the line. We’re only human.

I’m self-aware. Now what?

Easier said than done. Self-awareness, for many high performers, is often followed by self-criticism. It’s a trap I often fall into myself. Realizing I am operating from fear or anger, I then berate myself for it. This reaction doesn’t just keep me ‘below the line’ it drives me deeper under it. This state, where fear is the driving force, can often be masked by other motivators like anger, guilt, or shame. But fear is the common denominator. Acceptance is the key to transitioning from extrinsic motivators (like fear, anger, or money), to intrinsic ones (like purpose or passion). Truly great teams operate with intrinsic motivators.

Think about it: at the core of many of our actions and decisions lies fear. Insights from child psychology research show that empathy, a form of acceptance, is key in overcoming fears in children. If you were to dig deep into the psyche of many high performing leaders, deep down you’ll often find a scared little five year old. Good leaders use fear as fuel. Exceptional leaders acknowledge fear, and choosing to move forward with it.

The shift from a victim mentality to a creator mindset is also reminiscent of the shift from below to above the line. When we create our experience of the world, meaning life happening is happening by us not to us, we put ourselves in a position of openness and curiosity.

Ready to put it into practice? Get aware of your current situation. Let’s say your team is overwhelmed. Write a recipe for what you and your team would have to say and do in order to recreate your current situation. Now you have a recipe for change.

Get the feedback flowing

In my experience, and from what I’ve heard from other managers, we’re all hungry for more feedback. Many say that they want a feedback rich environment, but find it difficult to create. We can bridge that gap with the creator mentality. Accepting responsibility for the lack of feedback and actively seeking to change it.

The simplest way to start is to just ask for feedback. After your next big presentation, stop someone on the way out and use this script:

“Rate my performance on a scale from one to ten. For anything less than a ten: what are three things I can improve. For anything more than a one: what is one thing I did well and should continue. Don't worry about being right about your feedback. Don’t worry about being constructive. Don’t worry about it being actionable. If you don’t have any feedback, make something up.”

Your goal is to create a feedback pipeline, and get it flowing.

Now we know how to get our pipeline flowing. But how wide a net do you really want to cast? I’d not come across the idea of feedback filters, but was amazed at how easily I was able to write a long list.

List out the criteria which must be met for you to take feedback seriously. These are you filters. Consider why each filter exists in your mind and how it hinders or helps your development. Choose which filters you want to maintain. By narrowing your scope, you’re chances of a high quality feedback pipeline skyrocket.

If you’ve gotten this far, you’re probably ready to supercharge your leadership. By using these two questions to probe deeper you will almost certainly uncover layers of yourself that you hadn’t yet encountered. We are quick to discard feedback we feel isn’t ‘true’. Lean into that feedback. Asking yourself ‘how is this feedback true about me?’ forces you to introspect and find answers. Take it up a notch by asking three people close to you how that feedback is true about you.

Projection is a powerful concept in psychology. Its application to feedback in the workplace could be transformational. Give it a whirl. Eat your projections. I’ll bet you’re amazed at what you discover.

Tiny thought

Happiness and success is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.

Keep your stick on the ice,

Jess

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